Waiting. Alternate title: I guess I shouldn’t have inhaled all that glue and done that acid

So I got this job, like a real job.

Like with full benefits, so I can get my lady parts examined and my breasts checked and maybe even my teeth cleaned.

AND a fully matched retirement fund, paid vacations, free lunches, paid training…. It was really pretty and sparkly.

PLUS a real paycheck with real dough (unlike the fake paychecks I’ve been writing out to myself just to feel important).

And the company said things like: We want to help you grow to your fullest potential within the company.

And I felt special.

I cried a little bit when I signed my name on the dotted line, and I may have seen unicorns dance before my eyes.

Then the HR person sent me over to get fingerprinted.

Then all the unicorns fell to the floor in a giant heap and my crying turned to worry, because there was that one time I broke into Sizzler as a teenager to steal the little salt and pepper things (I’ll do anything on a dare).

I was then sent over to submit a drug test and I worried because I couldn’t remember if I smoked pot at the Christmas party or not, which is probably not a good sign.

So here I sit behind the safety of my computer monitor as the FBI digs through the pages of my life to determine if I am employable and ‘safe’ to work amongst other people.

Sure hope they don’t uncover that special time in my life when I ate small children for breakfast and sold Voo-Doo dolls on the street corner so I could buy crack cocaine. I also hope that the brief period I spent poking small dogs in the eyeballs for sheer pleasure doesn’t show up. That would be embarrassing.


12 responses to “Waiting. Alternate title: I guess I shouldn’t have inhaled all that glue and done that acid

  1. YAY for a real job – lol. MUCH luck to you, and while inhaling glue? Don't forget to breathe. 😉

  2. YAY for a real job!! That's awesome 🙂

  3. You are a riot!Congrats on the job!

  4. Totally crossing fingers!

  5. when do you find out?

  6. WOW I hope it comes through for you!!!

  7. Funny you should mention this. My employer is considering letting me go now becase when the FBI Fingerprinting did come back there where two misdermeanor charges from eons ago on the report. I didn't list them on the original application. They are calling it Deception. I have been trained and working for three weeks already !! Go figure…

  8. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  9. fingers and toes crossed for you !

  10. Holy crap, you got a real job and didn't tell us what it IS!!!!! Or are you waiting to see if you pass the pee test?Justine 😮 )

  11. Oh I hope it all works out for you!!

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